🛠 Does it always take longer than you think?

People say it a lot, but is it really true? Does it ALWAYS take longer than you think it will? The short answer is no, but the truth is a little more complicated because it almost always feels that way when you’re trying to finish a home improvement project or repair.

Take my most recent cooktop replacement as a stone cold example. Last Sunday I was all set to replace our “drop-in” gas cooktop range in one afternoon. Actually, if I hadn’t been filming it for my YouTube channel, this would typically be a 2 to 4 hour installation for a professional like myself, barring any unforeseen circumstance…stances…stances…stances [dream voice trails off in an echo echo echo]

Begin “unforeseen circumstances” now.

So here I am working and filming away, being a bit of a crackpot like I am, but trying to fill you in on some of the finer details of the installation when all of a sudden [drum roll] …it doesn’t f*~%ing fit! Are you kidding me? No I would not joke about something so grave and daunting and messy as having to cut granite, because it just isn’t funny. Well, it’s funny now, but on Sunday afternoon it was far from hilarious because cutting granite in your own kitchen sucks AND blows, dust, lots and lots of dust..

I had anticipated this possibility when Stephanie and I were narrowing down our search for a new gas cooktop in the fall. Picking out a cooktop that you will cook on for the next 20 years is very personal and when it’s time to finally make that decision I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a thing like a half an inch of granite countertop stand in my way. “If it’s close, it’s close” I said in my infinite wisdom.

Of course that decision was months ago, but it comes rushing right back to me as I am trying to squish this brand new stainless steel Thermador cooktop into the too short opening. I contemplated jumping up and down on top of it; perhaps a little grease or butter to help it along? If Stephanie hadn’t been there I might have gotten out my hammer and “Gone Amish” on the little devil.

Luckily a little birdie landed on my shoulder to whisper a little patience into my ear. The little birdie said, “Hey, idiot, this really isn’t that surprising, so why don’t you quit your crying, chill out, and go get your angle grinder. Just put the explosives down and back away from the new cooktop, Tommy. Back away quietly and do your best to accept your new fate without acting like a child.”

And then the little birdie pooped on my America’s Funniest Handyman T-shirt and flew away. Smart Bird, he got outa there before the dust storm.

Insert several hours of labor which included the following items: painter’s tape, plastic sheathing, shop vac, extra shop vac, angle grinder, oscillating saw, tape measure, sharpie, paper towels, water, cleaners, mop, stone sealer, dust masks, safety glasses, did I mention a shop vac?

I would like to thank my wife, Stephanie who was a big help when it came time to hold the vacuum while I made the cuts, not an easy job when an 11 amp angle grinder is screaming at you while throwing dust and little bits of granite at your face.

This job spilled over into a second day by the time the goose was finally cooked, well, not literally, I mean who eats goose, really? But, we “got’er done” and cleaned up with little to no drama.

Enjoying the fire after a job completed.

I think what it all boils down to is human nature. When we’re getting ready to do a household project, we typically underestimate the amount of time involved for 2 very natural reasons: A) We would rather be doing something else with that time so our subconscious leads us to believe that it will be over soon so we can get back to more important things like watching football while we avoid doing our taxes, and 2) The ego is usually the voice that tells you how fast you’re going to get it done, it’s the voice that puffs out the proverbial chest and says, “Ya, go ahead and get the plane tickets, I should have this wrapped up in about an hour.”

Egos are emotional and never really look at the big picture. My ego sounds like an old drill instructor and is always filling my head with bullshit so I try not to listen to him when planning projects that are outside of my area of expertise.

I hope you do the same with your ego, tell it to shut up once in a while so you can listen the voice of reason.

America’s Funniest Handyman, come for the knowledge, stay for the laughs.